Is….Is this an option?
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I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.