I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
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I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10