People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
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Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
True freaking story!
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
I wanna be friends with this person