shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
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My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled