“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
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Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO