Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
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My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
This guy must be getting annoyed by now