I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
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BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
I would move hell over six inches for you
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie