RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
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Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.