Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
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Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
he looks great for his age
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes