H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
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I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
I can’t deal with men any longer
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.