Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
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A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
My blood type is b hungry.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.