God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
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i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.