*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
You Might Also Like
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.