This was a bad idea all around
You Might Also Like
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
For the baby who has everything
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.