There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
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“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
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M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
My therapist after every session
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes