me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
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The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably