As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
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Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”