I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
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It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.