My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
You Might Also Like
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Whoa 😂
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Swedish for common sense.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh