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With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
why does this building look like a guilty dog
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.