I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
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want me to check your oil?
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
A roof is a house hat.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils