RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
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Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?