Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
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The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks