[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
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Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Botany good plants lately?
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?