Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
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Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.