if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
You Might Also Like
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.