me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
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Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*