Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
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“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
*seductively corrects your posture*
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!