my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
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All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
How did we not see this back then?
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.