You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
You Might Also Like
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Yes, this is exactly right
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Acronyms got me like WTF?
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂