*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
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Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
You sure about that?
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
A friend sent me this.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.