“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
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I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.