*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
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[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.