God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
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*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
is this a warning or an offer?
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.