I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
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I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.