Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
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The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who