[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
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Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack