I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
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They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
When you’ve simply given up.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
This has made my week.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.