My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
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Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron