During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
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[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats