A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
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agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners