Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
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After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
What my back needs
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.