I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
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7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
ugh not again
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no