“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
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I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Ovenable?
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t