This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
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I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.