my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
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A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Yup.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.