Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
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“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don鈥檛 have to hide bodies.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
we鈥檙e insta mutuals now 馃槍馃槍馃槍
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Good news
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I wish this was real life…
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.