Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
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UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL