Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
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a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.