Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
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I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something